The Danube’s head

Jun 18, 2023

For spring it's unseasonably chilly in Bratislava and I’m full of sausage samples and tots of plum brandy from a walk through the pretty Slovakian capital. I had hoped that the brandy would offset the chill, but no such luck. Forgive the pun, but what does deliver a warming flush is dashing back to my riverboat and sitting on the loo.

A delicate subject, perhaps, but the new Riverside Mozart has conveniences that really do deserve a mention. Japanese designed and remote controlled, they feature heated seats (aah), lids that obligingly flip up (ooh) and flashing lights to warn you that a douche is on its way. I’ll confess it here: I am in love with a toilet.

Among the guests on board, getting to grips with the Toto toilet becomes a talking point. Like Marmite, they are loved and hated. The women adore the programmable "his" and "hers" lid settings (no more nagging their partners); the men scratch their heads.

You can imagine it all adding up to lively chats over cocktails — a bonding point on our gentle, four-night Mozart's Discoveries voyage on the Danube. This is Seaside Collection's first foray into the increasingly competitive world of river cruising. The German hotel group acquired Crystal Cruises’ riverboats following the line's bankruptcy in 2022 and the ship is truly a head-turner.

I travelled on the Mozart back in 2016 when its former owners first launched on the Danube. I loved everything about it the first time around, so I’m keen to see what's new. Well, save a downturn in the quality of the cuisine (more of that later), very little — apart from a pleasing, if pricey range of creative excursions.

You might fancy a private helicopter ride in Austria over the Wachau Valley (£1,329pp), or a chance to conduct the Vienna Supreme Orchestra (£779pp). Perhaps a dawn meander through Vienna's hidden courtyards with breakfast in a coffee house and pre-crowd access to the Kunsthistorisches Museum: yours for a more affordable £106pp.

Sadly, our own pootle from Vienna — and admittedly it is early days for the line — simply takes in tours, hikes and wine tastings in Bratislava, Dürnstein, Melk and Krems, before returning to Austria's capital. Later voyages, incorporating Budapest, Linz and Passau, will offer more imaginative excursions.

Though not a new ship, Riverside Mozart is one of the largest on the Danube. At just over 75ft, it's double the width of standard riverboats — hence the wonderfully uncluttered, roomy interiors.

If you’re transitioning from ocean cruising, this is arguably the most relaxed way to jump ship, as it were, as Riverside Mozart is not dissimilar to a small ocean-going vessel. It's not clear yet what mix of guests it will accommodate — our trip, with Japanese, Chinese and Brits on board, is light in numbers — but even when at full 162-guest capacity, there will certainly be room to breathe.

Equally pleasing is Riverside Mozart's fresh, contemporary decor. Nothing has been changed since 2016, but then why alter a winning formula of calm riverine greys and deep blues, or discard those gorgeous art deco-style fittings? Additionally, and unusually in a riverboat, there's a sizeable gym, indoor pool, sauna, steam room and spa.

Life revolves around deck three, with guests gathering at the intimate piano lounge. Here, chirpy host Daniel tinkles the ivories, playing a medley of hits from the Sixties and Seventies. (All drinks, including an excellent cocktail menu are included in the price.)

On sunny days, the spacious sun deck comes into its own. Squashy, sorbet-toned bean bags, recliners and chic deckchairs overlook a herb garden. In addition there are top-of-the-range Egg barbecue grills, so when sunshine greets our arrival into the Wachau Valley, an inevitable dash for the alfresco bites follows.

Oh, how the sun warms our backs — yet how disappointing to find undercooked salmon and overdone grilled vegetables. And this brings me to the food in general. The head chef is absent during our voyage, leaving his assistant to mastermind the galley.

Much as I’d love to write good things about the cuisine, sadly most meals prove lacklustre. It's not so much the offerings: a dinner might feature imaginative starters such as onsen egg with Serrano ham, asparagus and lemon hollandaise, then move to schnitzel or river trout, but often these are served lukewarm, flabby or bizarrely paired with over-dominant spices. Edible, certainly, but the lasting impression is more "meh" than "wow".

I do like the Blue Bar Grill where you can bag a hefty hamburger or excellent toastie. The atmosphere is intimate, the porthole windows a playful nod to all things nautical, and, as elsewhere on the ship, its dramatic tiled floor could easily grace the pages of Elle Decor.

The Waterside restaurant, where buffet breakfasts, lunches and à la carte dinners are served, is particularly gorgeous: wraparound windows, banquettes and armchairs mix with plenty of tables for two.

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Exquisite interiors become a theme on this Danube voyage. On a veritable whizz through baroque excess, we gawp at elaborate cherub-stuffed churches, admire turquoise-toned onion domes and finally reach the pinnacle of religious bling at Melk Abbey. Here, gilded chalices and jewel-embedded monstrances mix with a library of books dating back to the ninth century.

I grow to love the place names on our voyage. Melk and Krems are the edible-sounding towns that mark the beginning and end of the Wachau Valley — then there's pretty Dürnstein, where the river ripples to rowing boats and the blue sky pulls its ruined castle into sharp relief.

Yet it's the river's quieter beauty that gives me equal pleasure. One morning I wake to a scene of unutterable beauty. Dazzling sunlight freckles the moss-green Danube. Forested hills and terraced vineyards are shadowed in the palest of blues, and directly across, willow trees dip to the water's frilly edges.

There's no traffic noise. All I can hear is birdsong, the click of wheels from cyclists tracing the river path, then the soporific rush of gentle waves. And what makes this wake-up view even more remarkable is my interior landscape.

Riverside Mozart is an all-suite, butler-serviced ship and my penthouse suite could easily out-rival a high-end boutique hotel room. I’ve a large sofa, a midnight-blue velvet armchair, and that signature restful palette of mushroom, grey and deep blue. Add a minibar and Nespresso machine and, for my category, a dressing room and walk-in wardrobe, and overall there's a pleasing understated elegance and sense of space — with even the smallest suite at 219 sq ft feeling roomy.

I also love my bathroom with its swanky Natura Bissé toiletries — and did I mention the Toto toilet? When I meet my butler, Dilip, and he asks if there's anything he can do, it's tempting to demand he packs up that loo and sends it to my home.

But perhaps that's a request too far.

Louise Roddon was a guest of Riverside Luxury Cruises, which has four nights’ all-inclusive from £1,480pp, departing on August 23, round-trip from Vienna, including transfers (riverside-cruises.com). Fly to Vienna

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